Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter Forgy

Chapter Four opens at precisely seven thirty with our benevolent cast entering the reception room for speeches. In an internal monologue we hear that Simon is a shitty freelance journalist, so naturally, he became a sadist in order to sexually punish those who were successful in their life dreams. Sort of like the girl who wanted to grow up to be a lawyer, but due to her father’s crack addiction couldn’t afford university so instead prostitutes herself out to forty year old men who can’t otherwise get laid. But you know, different. We also get ourselves a very rare and sought after description of our main character, Natalie, who we learn has “Long wavy blonde hair” and a “slender figure”. The vivid imagery jumps straight from the page, and then molests you the way a forty year old man touches a seventeen year old prostitute. I’m not sure what that metaphor actually entails, but let’s assume that paragraph is suitably mocked. The sensual description is too much for poor Simon and his “manhood” fangasms over Natalie’s legs. That’s not to say that Natalie’s legs were caught in the crossfire of any bodily fluids –that comes later- but that her legs were the subject of Simon’s thoughts. As the audience to the remarkable display of excitement, we are left wondering how a man who gets off so very easily and quickly, can get a job to have sex with beautiful and attractive woman for a living. The plot thickens further when Simon’s manhood develops personal feelings for Natalie on the grounds that she is a more successful journalist than he.

Conveniently for the plot Simon is allocated to be Natalie’s tutor, alongside the presumably titillating Heather and salacious Chris. Simon steers any conversation with his group away from sex in order to “keep them on edge” and to confuse them, which apparently makes them “easier to control.” He then leads them to a sex-room with “no central light, only wall lights” as “part of Simon’s strategy for disorienting the visitors”. Completely baffled by the highly unusually and very complex lighting of the room Chris, Natalie and Heather can not even utter a word of protest when ordered to undress, which they do with brainwashed-fascist efficiency.

 Wall lights! Now'll she won't be able to NOT have sex with me!

After thoroughly describing Chris’s hobbies and exercise regime, the author remembers what type of book she is writing and quickly adds the sentence “He also had an enormous cock.” We expected no less from the man. Simon chastises Chris for his history of being far too quick “off the mark”, seemingly forgetting that earlier that evening he had jizzed in his own pants by merely looking at a woman’s legs. But ignore Simon’s hypocrisy, something sexy is about to happen!

Heather is ordered to “use your mouth on him until he’s hard”. How very sexy! But Heather disagrees and looks at Simon in horror, “I don’t even know him. That’s not something that I do-” Quite sensibly actually, did Chris even put on a condom? What if he has herpes? The action is diverted from the sexy transmission of disease and back to Natalie, who Simon realises is his perfect idea of a woman. Natalie –for once- doesn’t argue after being told to rub herself against Chris. We’re shocked too. Natalie is then moved to a bed in the room and placed on all fours, perspiration runs down her spine, sexy, sexy perspiration. The perspiration is just the beginning of the sexy fun, and Simon details a sexy game that Natalie must sexily play. She must race to orgasm before Chris does despite being in the horrific doggy-style position, otherwise she’ll be punished! Naturally, Natalie responds by wishing with every fibre of her being not be there and is completely horrified. But of course, and this should go without saying by now, she is very aroused as “all her nerve endings seemed to be jangling in expectation”. We assume here that ‘jangling’ isn’t referring to a sound, but a very sensual physical feeling. Natalie also reveals that she had almost come before just by rubbing herself against Chris’s back, even with her underwear still on. Regular sex though, that just isn’t good enough.

 

Suddenly, “With one quick thrust [Chris] was deep insider her, his enormous erection stretching her so much that it was almost painful”. Yummy.

Chris is told to slow down to give Natalie a chance to win her game, but Chris has the sportsmanship of a five year old and whines that “I’ve already had to wait” before erupting violently inside of Natalie. Just now I realise that previous sentence may have conjured up the image of a five year old having sex. Don’t do that. Due to her loss at the sexy game, Natalie will later have to be punished. Our heart goes out to her. Chris is then told to give Heather pleasure; Nat and Simon need to forcefully spread Heather’s legs apart so Chris can “flick at” her G-Spot with his inhumanly long tongue. Heather comes three seconds later, and she and Chris both depart with pitying looks to leave Simon and Natalie intimately alone. It’s time for her punishment.

Simon orders Natalie to bend over a stool, but she refuses and insists on being told what will come of her. Simon becomes agitated with Natalie and states “I don’t think you like taking [orders] at all”. He quickly backs off, because this is clearly something a dominator –teaching a person to be submissive- should never say. Too far man, too far. From this conversation Natalie decides Simon is very detached, and therefore very good in bed. Not the fact that he has a job as a dominator at a sex seminar.

Natalie finally relents and bends over the stool and is smothered with oil. This feels delicious. Simon then whips her on the buttocks with a latex crop, to which Natalie responds “That hurt!”. Simon replies, “It was meant to hurt. You’re being punished remember.” You can almost smell the rolling of the eyes. After being spanked a few times Natalie decides that it, in fact, feels great and tries in vain to masturbate herself against the stool. From here on there is the repeated use of “nub” and “sex lips”, possibly the least sexy euphemisms since “meat tunnel”. Despite the poor choice of words, Natalie’s “muscles slithered, coiled and gathered themselves together in a tight knot before dissolving into a blissfully intense orgasm that flooded through every inch of her body.”

This traumatic experience will certainly ensure that Natalie will try with all her effort to not be punished. And with that, Chapter Four comes to a blissful ending.

New Vocab:

Tiny, hard, little nub: we’re not sure if it’s meant to be tiny or just little.

Prediction for Chapter Five:

Natalie will fall further in love with the dreamy Simon, but still fail to grasp the concept of why she is here. This will eventuate in her being continuously punished… yet pleasured.

Alternatively: Simon, who is into tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed women; who has a great appreciation for hierarchical command structures; who has a desire to command and dominate; and has a diabolical psychological knowledge of how to disorient and confuse people, will continue to develop Nazi-esque traits until it is ultimately revealed that the Haven is in fact a neo-fascist propaganda camp!

Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter Threesome

Six weeks later Natalie is driving herself to The Haven, found in Sussex, presumably because it has the word ‘sex’ in it. Filled with nerves, Natalie would have turned back if it weren’t for the fact that Jan had “risked everything by putting her forward”- a concept that still fails to make any sense. Upon arriving at The Haven, we are disappointed by how mundane it is, accept for a maniacally grinning receptionist. We are then treated with a riveting description of the carpet, so at least we know that Natalie’s feet are in for a good time.

To Natalie’s surprise, she is asked to wait in her room for one of the instructors, rather than be immediately ushered into a room full of other guests- perhaps for an orgy. After a sadly non-descriptive shower scene a “tall, dark man” comes to see her for a quick interview. Forgetting his pen, Simon looks for one and we are then treated to the most engaging description in the book yet. “Use mine.” Natalie tells him, before recounting an epic tale spanning the entirety of the pen’s lifetime. Uninterested in not-so-small-talk about pens, Simon jumps right to the end of the chase and asks Natalie when she last orgasmed. Natalie, attending a super secret sex seminar in Sussex to become a submissive is clearly shocked to be asked such a sexually-oriented question and refuses to discuss it. She doesn’t believe that it is any business of theirs, forgetting that their business is to run a super secret sex seminar in Sussex to train submissives. 

Once Simon makes it clear that she either must obey him, or leave the Haven, she reluctantly answers his question. Natalie informs us that she hasn’t masturbated for over two months due to a lack of time. Apparently she is far too busy either working or drinking large quantities of wine. Simon heavily implies that Natalie must be a terrible lover, because she doesn’t “keep in practice”. He orders her to undress and to sit in a creepy masturbation chair.

 Googling "Masturbation Chair" resulted in the creepy...

 The horrifying...

 And the strangely New Zealand.

It is now that we discover that this “dark” man actually has a “very pale complexion”, but ignore that inconsistency, he has “wonderful cheekbones”. Wordlessly, Simon arranges Natalie so her whole vulva is on view. Ordered to masturbate, Natalie blurts out in shock and horror- partly at the fact that he wants her to masturbate in front of him, but also because he wants her to masturbate in a way she isn’t use to. Natalie is feeling highly embarrassed, “very awkward” “and trapped”, she wants to “weep with humiliation”, her hands are “damp with nervousness” and the whole situation is “almost unbearable”. Fortunately for Natalie she strokes her breast lightly, once, and all her worries instantly disappear and she starts gyrating. In fact, she is so turned on you can now sail not seven, but eight seas, and Natalie quickly becomes frustrated when Simon doesn’t let her masturbate right away. When finally allowed to touch herself, Natalie’s nipples stand out proudly and her “sex lips” open up. While Natalie shoots herself to a “violent orgasm” we are left wondering if “Sex Lips” is the least sexy euphemism since “Bearded Clam”. Thinking euphemisms couldn’t get any worse we are then exposed to Natalie’s “tight nub” and the “soft channel inside her outer sex lips”.

With our first masturbation scene of the book over we move onto more innocent topics- Natalie’s favourite sex position. We are not surprised that it is “on top” where she can have “the most control”. Natalie again finds a reason to be shocked and appalled when the possibility of bondage is mentioned, apparently forgetting again that she is at a super secret sex seminar in Sussex to become a submissive. Simon is frustrated by Natalie’s stupidity and wonders how she even ever found out about The Haven. Natalie weaves a carefully constructed lie, making sure to omit any reference of Jan who isn’t allowed to tell anyone about The Haven. That is, of course, until she does tell. Which apparently never mattered in the first place.

Upon Simon’s departure, Natalie decides to go on a stroll around the grounds. In the hallway she hears some “strange guttural noises”, and ignoring the clear parallels with some sort of gory horror movie, decides to investigate. What she finds does not disappoint- a blindfolded, handcuffed and stark-naked man. Sadly for us, he is not being brutally murdered, but is rather getting a blowjob from the manically grinning receptionist. After watching for a perversely long time, the chapter closes with Natalie left frightened and highly aroused.

New Vocab:

Sex Lips: Uh, um… her labia?

Tight Nub: Clitoris?

Soft channel inside her outer sex lips: The bit between her Labia Majora and Labia Minora?

Plot Holes:

Is worried about revealing that Jan told her about The Haven, even though it is advertised through word of mouth and Jan was Natalie’s sponsor.

Prediction for Chapter Four:

Natalie will continue to struggle with the concepts of BDSM, Bondage and Submission. She will be humiliated, embarrassed and hurt, but still aroused. Despite having a dreadful time, she will be determined to continue. Meanwhile, the manically grinning receptionist will begin to torture and ultimately murder the guests, one by one, until only she, Natalie, Simon and Jan remain.

Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter Two

Our prediction for chapter two is immediately defenestrated when the real heroine of the story is introduced- Natalie, a “tall, slim and typically cool English blonde.” It is clear Natalie is the main character, for at least we know her hair colour. Though what is meant by “typically cool English blonde” is so unclear, that even Google is confused.

 

 Showing everything from these...

To this.

Though, we can safely assume that she has big boobs.

In this chapter we learn that there is actually some form of story line, however superficial. We learn that Natalie is the best friend of Jan, she runs a successful magazine for high-powered business women, and is unlucky in love. However, despite what that previous sentence may make it sound like, the salad Natalie eats for dinner gets more of a description than she does. We also learn that our ‘heroine’ likes to sit in her own self-misery, pining after lost friends, drinking large quantities of wine and eating well described salad- presumably without cutlery. Jan on the other hand, is having a roaring social life as a submissive, with every night for two months being filled with orgy parties.

Natalie manages to squeeze in a meeting with her friend to eat some pasta we learn more about than the two of them combined. Natalie notices that Jan is “tense”, “strained”, “panic-stricken”, “strange” “completely different” and “looking really well”. One of these things doesn’t seem to match up. Nevertheless, Natalie demonstrates her ability to absorb only one sixth of her own thoughts and endeavours to discover Jan’s secret. We can only conclude that Natalie is a disturbed individual, because she wants to see the same changes in herself. Natalie pries from Jan that it all had something to do with her mysterious weekend away, and quickly wishes to learn more.

Jan remains elusive, not wishing to let Natalie know too much about this secret society, and finally admits that she simply isn’t allowed to tell Natalie, and that you can only learn about it through word-of-mouth. Natalie comes to the conclusion that it must be a business seminar and is secretive because it is for the “incredibly fit”. Clearly Natalie is not only a disturbed individual, but dangerously stupid.

“It’s a seminar in sex” Jan needs to tell her as bluntly and straightforwardly as possible, clearly beating around the bush would make her late for the orgy. Natalie is shocked, appalled and totally interested by the concept of a sex seminar. Natalie is shocked, appalled and totally interested by the fact that Jan is now a submissive. Natalie is shocked, appalled and totally interested by the fact that guests of The Haven are ‘punished’. Natalie also makes it clear that she “Isn’t naïve” and “couldn’t imagine any sexual situation where she wouldn’t be able to cope”. Either Natalie doesn’t understand the meaning of ‘naïve’, or desperately lacks an imagination. Right now, combine the below images into a sexual scenario:

 

Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack

Houdini Locking Steel Cock Chastity

 

Prince's Wand

 Sexy Sadist Cock Ring

 "The Cannon"

 The Extreme Anal Spreader

 "The Plow"

 Zeus Electric Urethral Sound Kit

Can you begin to fathom a scenario you mightn’t be able to cope with? Do all possible scenarios end up with you in the ICU?

The two girls finish their meal and make their goodbyes, so engrossed in their conversation they don’t even pause to pay for their highly detailed pasta. The chapter ends with Natalie’s arousal at the idea of being dominated, and the readers feeling hungry for Italian.

New Vocab:

Delicious hot liquid pleasure: Semen?

Typos:

Ididn’t

Plot Holes:

The Haven is only advertised by word of mouth, but the guests are forbidden to talk about it.

Prediction for Chapter Three:

Natalie goes to The Haven, where she finds it difficult to cope and humiliating, yet strangely arousing.

We'd like to give a thank/damn you to Cracked.com for compiling not just one, but multiple lists of the most horrific sex toys that actually exist. Read about some here and here.

Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter One

“You've devoured Fifty Shades. . . Now it's time to lose yourself in the Haven of Obedience”

Browsing the romance section in the local bookstore, specifically, the men in kilts section, something special caught our eye.

[Jab at the fact that the man is wearing jeans]

However, before we could begin a frantic, one-handed reading on be-kilted highlanders, we noticed another book. Another book that transfixed us with horror. “You've devoured Fifty Shades. . . Now it's time to lose yourself in the Haven of Obedience” Here we were, a book using the Fifty Shades Trilogy as a sales pitch. Here we were, a book using BDSM Twilight Fan-Fiction as a sales pitch. We were instantly hooked.

This book took us on an adventure like no other, and we took upon ourselves the task –no, the duty- of sharing with the world the wonder that is Haven of Obedience. For those new to the genre of clit-lit, prepare to blush, prepare to swoon, and prepare to master the art of holding a book whilst masturbating furiously.

CHAPTER ONE

Generally books in this genre start off slow, introducing the characters and their troubled love lives. Haven of Obedience does away with such unnecessary features of ‘background’ and ‘character development’ and twelve lines in we already have submissive kneeling and voluptuous blondes. In between a mixture of tremors and “cruelly delayed climaxes” we learn that our young (and presumably sexy, yet sensitive) heroine, Jan, has taken a weekend away at a “select and secret” retreat. Within this one short weekend Jan was seemingly transformed from a successful, independent woman, into a submissive cum-slut. We, the readers, rejoice at her new found sexual freedom. You may also find yourself booking weekend seminars on all manner of subjects, in order to quickly transform your personality completely and become some form of superhuman.

 The secretive nature of the society is emphasised when Rob, the host, threatens the patrons with ostracism if they reveal it to the outside world. After clarifying what ostracism means, partly for the less intelligent patrons, but also for book’s target audience (who we can safely assume are not the brightest crayons in the box), Jan has a near heart attack. She could not possibly go back to her old (read: two days ago) life of consensual, respecting sex.

The threat of ostracism is not the worst trauma to face our young Jan, and her crush, Rob, makes it clear that they can not be together outside of the retreat. The reason for this is because, for him and the other ‘tutors’, the retreat “isn’t personal” but –and we quote “a job of work”. The statistically most common form of job.

Despite our mockery of “a job of work” this really does it for our Jan, and nipples harden left, right but not centre- because this isn’t Total Recall pervert.

Jan’s satisfaction is made all the more intense by the gentle caressing of her “v-lined, semi-fitted ribbed cardigan”. For a visual aid, imagine this, but with more nipple.

 After a brief daydream involving “intense orgasms”, “sweat-streaked flesh” and latex whips, Jan is wet enough to start her own car washing business, and we have reached the end of page two. Oh my.

During one particularly pleasurable punishment flashback, Jan is treated to the delight of burgeoning breasts and a swelling stomach. We are unsure of what this means sexually, but those sound like two symptoms of becoming pregnant. Oh my.

Jan then exchanges phone numbers with an “amazingly adept lover” and other sexy-beast patrons in order to arrange an eightsome(?), before departing for London. By this stage we have received detailed descriptions of Jan’s clothes, breasts, buttocks, and now soaking wet panties, and have reached the end of chapter one. The readers are left wondering what Jan’s face looks like.

New Vocab:

“Soft Centre of Her”- Vagina? Or perhaps the Clitoris?

Prediction for Chapter Two:

Jan organises her eightsome, but she is left wanting for more. Wanting for her Rob.

Disclaimer: To any members of the BDSM community, we would like to make it clear that we have nothing against BDSM, and do not mean to cause any offence against it. We DO, however, mean to insult, offend and shamelessly mock the idea of a “secret society” that takes regular businessmen and business women, and in the space of one weekend, enlightens them of the ‘true power of submission’, churning them out like some form of Soviet propaganda brainwashing camp.